Silent Sex
by Hybrid Fantasy
Summary: "Due to your too loud love-making and indiscreet hiding behind tress or supermarkets, now half of Konoha's children know that 'sex' isn't French food, 'double penetration' a clone jutsu or 'hand job' a degree at school" SasuSaku Funny One-Shot. R


You, Sakura, you simply knew it.

Nobody, and I mean abso-freakin'-lutely _nobody_ could ever ruin the wonderful smile that brought color to your pale yet doll-like features.

You smiled sweetly as you pulled your cutely designed keys, of course, with small Sasuke-trinkets in chibi form (the ones I simply _adore_… te-hee) out of your turquoise shoulder bag and brought it towards your front apartment door in order to close it safely.

And there you go.

You just smile again.

And I can clearly see that you can't stop yourself from doing so.

'And who can blame us?' even I giggled love stuck. 'We get Sasuke-kun's fine piece of ass every single day and night, we let him do us, we do him, we just simply live the life we ever wanted…' I continued to add day dreamingly (inappropriate) remarks regarding our wonderful (and freakin' awesome) sex-life.

You only nodded blushingly. You just knew it. Nothing could have been better than this.

If you would have the chance of modeling a perfect day by your tastes, you wouldn't change a thing about the way your life is turning out to be right now.

You have wonderful friends.

Plenty of them.

And you love them with all your heart. The best thing is that you know they probably love you back the same way you do.

'Aww, Hinata-Chan, whenever you're not around me, I seem to miss you dearly…' you though a bit melancholy. 'You and Naruto really are meant to be…'

'Too bad Naruto's lack of a brain, and may I add, as Sai _always _seems to mention, lack of dick, aren't exactly the perfect combination for a good relationship.' I grinned unexpectedly ruining, maybe, the perfect imagine you managed to build around Naruto and Hinata.

'When you're in love, brains and penises aren't your number one concern.' You, oh my dear Sakura, said defending the loving, yet extremely innocent and naïve couple.

But as I was saying, eh… You have, and will always, probably have loving friends.

You also have a great job.

I mean, c'mon guys, who gets to work with the _magnificent _and _veryvery attractive _Lady Tsunade herself?

Umh… at second though, don't answer that. Many people have the chance of working with her.

Too many, if you asked a special somebody.

But that didn't matter when you we're in charge of a large hospital having to work with both patients and paperwork.

In your case, I have to say that you probably very lucky indeed, you got the more patients, leaving a very angry and frustrated Tsunade to deal with the beloved official procedure.

She always muttered under her breath incoherent words such as '_'empatientsandnotme' _or _'screwthis!atleastmyboobsarebigger', _which in your opinion weren't as bad as they supposedly sounded like.

You love your Shisou, and even if she didn't seem to show the love she once showed, you know you will always find a place in your sensei's loving arms, even if you have to get past her loud shrieks and bad temper.

Yeah, that's how bad Tsunade is.

Somebody please help us. Michael Jackson, we need you. _**Now. **__Singing__**: **_We're bringin' Michael back, yeah, 'em mother-ninjas don't know how to act, yeah!

'You're _so _babbling.' I said teasing you effortlessly.

You have to admit. You truly did.

So yeah.

No more babbling.

I (we) swear. Pinkie promise?...

Awww… pinkie promise!

Okay, now what was I saying again?

Aaah, so… You, my friend, truly have it all.

Loving friends.

Great job.

Amazing cough_evil_cough boss.

And…

*please insert loud circus drums*

And…

…a (very) loving boyfriend.

Ta-dam.

Envy her. For real now. Envy her. That's all I want to do… I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile… aham… excuse me. sooo. Eh. What did we say about babbling? Oh yeah, no more of it. (Damn you bitches! I deserve to have the right to talk shit! *sob*)

So… going back to the subject.

You have it all. Everything she could have wished for. Everything she ever wanted. Could it get any better than this?

The answer was of course, yes.

Yes, Sakura, it could. You could, for example, win the big prize at the lottery, be awarded a Nobel for Science, meet Tom Cruise and get married in Las Vegas (oh, the joy!).

But since you're not into money, or at least you don't show it, you don't consider science your answer to everything, you don't have a 10 year long passion for Tom Cruise (not that… umh… I do or anything… HELLNO! *sweatdrop*) and you don't want to get married in Vegas after a 32 hour long gay-party with hot guys dressed up as Mickey Mouse.

So, no. the answer remains NO.

Your life is totally perfect the way it is.

_Youluckybitch _aheeeam.

*cough*

Must've swallowed something. Pardon me.

Anyways. Your life is great. I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy you. (Especially the part with you having senseless sex with Sasuke-kun… but never mind. I'm no fangirl. I just have pictures of him covering from head to toe my room's four walls, his hawt purple Oro-rope underneath my bed, stolen boxers from the Hot Springs under my pillow and other items suck as used handkerchiefs, condoms, forks, shirts, condoms, kunai, toothbrush, condoms in which I keep my nose in 24/7… see? I'm no fangirl. Takes no genius to figure that out).

And as I've said before, you got it all.

Even that mile long sweet smile when you're closing the door remembering how Sasuke did you last night (if only it were me! *please insert anime style tears*)

But, you know what they say; all good things come to an end.

There I see her.

She's making her way trough the hallway.

She saw you wanting to leave your apartment and she decided to… umh…_ greet_ you. Now we all know what she wants to do with you. Let's just keep the bad language meter low today, okay?

Anyways. For a woman her size, I gotta hand it to her. She's pretty quick.

I mean, if it weren't for the earthquake sensation one gets every time she passes by, even I, your wonderful Inner, could have been fooled in not seeing her at all.

And not to be mean or anything, I still remember what you've always told me ('If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all…' blahblahblah) but at times like this, I cannot simply control myself. It's eating me from the insides. So I guess I really do have the right to say it.

But she did gain some weight over the past two weeks…

I know it was the Holydays and everything, but she could at least watch what she puts in her mouth (no perverted intentions included. If you did, anyhow, feel the sexual tension, then you're cordially invited to My Super Sweet 16 Party! Oh, c'mon, I was like dying to say it, for like forever… like…!)

Despise her weight; I would consider her, though, a pretty normal woman. She has the specific type of hair: medium long dark brown, the normal eyes: caring yet obedient hazelnut colored and the average clothing: peachy kimono with decorative flowers. Yeah, the ordinary type of housewife with an alcohol addicted husband and three kids, a hippie, an emo and a geek. Ah, the power of American soap operas! I never get enough of them!

Getting back to the subject…

Little Big Miss Sunshine is on her towards you right now. There's something in her look, I can hardly guess what it is. Maybe she took the wrong pills. Hurray! Umh… sorry.

Anyways. You're suddenly attentive. You notice her presence and you push your keys back into your bag uncomfortably waiting for her to enlighten you with her marvelous presence.

And there she is.

She's panting a bit, I can tell. Walking 15 strides without a rest stop can really be tough.

Okay, okay, I get it. Enough with the irony. (For like… two minutes? Ple-eee-eeeaaase!)

She acknowledges your face carefully. You do to. You stare at each other. Damn… the silence.

You say hello.

She smiled bitterly. I guess. I don't know if that was a smile or a grimace. Something in between, maybe?

"Why, hello dear. How are you?"

She sounds a bit uncomfortable. Just like as you answer that you're doing good. That everything's perfect. You smile in return. You don't get any smile back. Jolly.

She starts talking. Quickly, if I may be precise. I could hardly get a word she was saying.

"Honey, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, and you must understand that it truly does make me feel a bit uncomfortable, but there're have been some complaints in the building."

Your smile weakens visibly. Seems your perfect day isn't as perfect as you catalogued it to be. And like it or not, the woman's not done yet. She's got a nerve.

"As you probably may know, there are many very young children living here. The problem isn't their large number, but their fragile age."

You probably guessed what she was talking about because you 'aaaah'-ed embarrassed, your cheeks reddening.

Hard to believe it, but I seem to be having difficulty understanding what this gorilla sized woman's telling us. Kids? Yeah sure, we love kids. Sasuke _freaks out_, literally, whenever he sees a youngster. He's already dreaming about being a dad. But don't you think it's a bit too early? I mean, c'mon, you guys are hardly 18! You still have plenty of time to be thinking about changing stinky diapers and not sleeping (endless and tiring) nights, this time not due to your continuous love-making but to the loud, annoying and probably begging voice formed by your beloved brat. Ew.

Since when did I become so responsible? The after effects of spending time with Neji's poor ass. Gawd, I gotta get a life. And so do you, Neji. Now you mark my words. No more Sims 2 Nightlife from now on for you, young man! Instead of making your Edwards Sim wohoo with your Bella Sim, maybe you should wohoo a bit with Tenten, huh?

But (un)luckily for us, Gorilla wasn't talking 'bout baby-making. I can see that you almost fainted. That's how pale you were. So Hinata-like.

"But, my dear, don't you think that five is, clearly, a much too young age to know about things such as 'senseless fuck', 'doggy style', '69's' and 'blowjobs'?"

You swallowed. Hard.

"Due to your too loud love-making and indiscreet hiding behind tress or supermarkets, now half of Konoha's children know that 'sex' isn't French food, 'double penetration' a clone jutsu or 'hand job' a degree at school."

At that point, my cherished and dearly loved Sakura, I would have wanted to pack my bags as quickly as possible and buy a plane ticket to the end of the world. That's how bad _**I **_felt. I could only imagine your pain, suffering and high embarrassment at that moment.

And that damn Gorilla didn't shut up.

Oh no.

She wasn't done with you yet.

"I'm sure that you and Sasuke love each other dearly, but, considering the fact that you two want to have children one cheerful day, I suggest you start thinking more about their innocent minds instead of pleasuring yourself in every possible and impossible place and position on earth."

Her voice was harsh yet her eyes were understanding.

"And it's not only the children I'm worried about."

Damn, where did all this come from? Wasn't that darn bitch done yet? I could easily find many ways of making her shut that nasty mouth of hers. Duck tape for instance. Or a Magnum.

"It's the 50+ year old men that I'm worried about too. They assume they're stargazing trough the stethoscope, but instead they're admiring your flexibility and Sasuke's size, if you know what I mean."

If I didn't know better, I'd be guessing she's one of the 50+ year old men stalking them while they fuck. She seems to be well documented when it comes to your gift of being quite bendy and Sasuke's foot long dick. She's just jealous. Ha. Take that. Be-yatch. You wish you we're that bendable and had a dick. Umh…_cough_… well at least the flexible part… eh. Flexible body and stiff dick. UUUU. (Damn I'm so stupid sometimes). The perfect combination.

You're so pale right now. You're too shocked though to even mumble something. At times like this you'd usually apologize with a million 'sorry''s and even more 'can I make it up to you''s. but not now. Oh, nooo. You're too traumatized for that.

"Well, anyways, thank you Sakura for your attention. I hope my words will leave you a dependable impression. Have a good day!" she greeted before turning her back and walking towards her apartment door, which she opened with no hurry.

She was long gone and you didn't even realize it. You just stood there like a fucking stupid little annoying brat who takes a peak at his parents room and sees them having wild sex. Shock was written all over your face.

And to be real honest, if I was real, like flesh and bones and blood, be sure I would've applied several bitch-slaps in order to wake you up from your little daydreaming.

But there was no need for that.

Not anymore, anyways.

You pulled out your keys from your bag, opened the door disgracefully, and went inside closing it behind you with despair.

You called later on at work telling them you had a fever and you couldn't make it today.

But you're way too stupid.

You're a doctor. You can heal yourself.

They seemed to comprehend that, but they didn't say anything else.

The tone in your voice did the entire job for you.

I could bet that they were silently saying a prayer for you since you sounded as if the Apocalypse just hit your living room.

"You seem to need a day off." Mikoto assured cheerfully. "Don't worry, Miss Haruno, relax and get better!"

You tried.

I appreciate that. At least you tried.

You made yourself some green tea.

But you added salt instead of sugar.

Then you tried to watch TV.

You didn't even laugh when Perry the Platypus was old.

You suck _that_ bad.

After that you though that you should give reading a chance.

You read two pages of Henry Miller's Opus Pistorum.

Then you went to the bathroom to puke.

Your perfect day turned out to be anything but perfect.

At 6 in the afternoon the door opened. Sasuke's hot and totally amazing self made your heart skip a beat.

I secretly fainted. Secretly. Sh. Tell no one.

He took a seat on the couch bringing you up to his lap kissing your lips greedily.

At times like this, I hated you more that words can express.

Lucky it didn't last long.

Sasu-cakes immediately stopped what he was doing with indescribable grace, tenderness yet at the same time pure lust and passion after seeing that you wouldn't respond to his oh-so-evident invitations for a bit of old-fashioned fun.

"Sakura, what's wrong?" he asked sternly, his cool voice making shivers run down your spine.

You, stupid, stupid, _stupid _as always told him the truth. You enlightened him about what happened earlier today with Monkey-Woman (although, you respectfully called her Hashima-Sama).

Sasuke's profound onyx eyes linked with yours the whole conversation admiring your expressiveness. I got to hand it to you, you were pretty good. You seemed pretty affected.

After finishing your last sentence, the one in which you were saying that you felt 'embarrassed and ashamed and unworthy of everything lying beside you', Sasuke, believe it or not, burst out in laughter.

To say that you were stunned would be a misunderstanding. You were far more than that.

You eyed him curiously as he finally smiled brushing his soft (and HAWT) lips over yours.

He grinned.

"That can only mean two things."

A confused look dominated your face while he smugly unbuttoned your shirt.

"First of all, we need to find a new place to stay. A bigger home."

"I'd like that." You smiled sincerely blushing while your shirt fell on the floor.

"And second…"

He kissed (raped) your mouth. Again.

You moaned uncontrollably.

"…we're obligated to have some silent sex from now. But I'm sure it's very fun, after all."

You both had, I can assure you, _a lot_ of fun after. You both seemed to enjoy playing with ropes. Eh.

So did I.

With Tom Cruise.

In Las Vegas.

After winning the Nobel Prize for Science.

And winning cash at the lottery.

And kicking some random gay guy dressed up as Mickey Mouse in the nuts.

Then Perry the Platypus barged into your bedroom singing 'Michael's Back'.

And just to confirm the song's real meaning, Michael Jackson, resurrected from the dead, fell from Aladdin's flying carpet asking oddly 'Somebody called me?'.

I'm such a sick Inner.


End file.
